.*______________::Even Da Tenshi Do Smile Sometimes::_____________

Friday, December 26, 2008

mood: kinda helpless

Hello there, everyone..

Shiori, Da-Tenshi is here again.

Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm today..

I'm kinda depressed..

You know, yesterday,

I told you guys about me not being able to enter a

stretched class next year..

And that my mother(Sei-Tenshi) was gonna scold me..

Well,

I thought nothing of it at first..

However, she said something that almost made me feel like crying.

It really killed me inside..

For once, I felt like I couldn't smile anymore..

It felt like the emo-side of the Da-Tenshi me coming back again..

I felt so.. so cold inside..

For those who know me in real life,

you guys all know what are the most important things in my life..

My drawings, my comics, my writings, my storybooks, my notebooks, my computer, my songs, my music, my mp3..

These were probably the only things that kept me smiling..

Kept me positive all this while..

I tried to keep on smiling,

hoping that the next day for me would be a better day..

However, it isn't.

My life is slowly coming apart..

My heart is slowly dying inside again..

My mother, that Sei-Tenshi, she took away alot of my stuff..

My drawings, my comics, my computer time..

I wasn't allowed to read any of my comics..

I wasn't allowed to darw anymore..

Also, I wasn't allowed to use the computer for the whole day anymore..

Life is getting cruel and unfair for me..

Like it was "supposed" to be for the life of us, Da-Tenshis..

How can I go on smiling as though nothing happened?

How can I go on without my precious things?

Yes, I may still have my music, my stories..

However, that's not all of it..

Without the rest, it isn't enough..

Haha..

I always thought that in this family of mine, I was the strongest female tenshi..

The last I would do in a major mess-up was crying, breaking down..

That was what my little sister, Moka, Jun-Tenshi would do..

She'd always cry over little things like being scolded, but I usually wouldn't..

My mother, Sei-Tenshi, always thought she would, and could never cry..

Haha..

She was wrong..

There was one time that my coldness towards her struck her..

And..

Guess what?

Haha..

She burst into tears..

I no matter what happened,

always hid my tears away from others..

Letting my hurts, pains, tears, screams..

All stab at my heart from the inside..

Yet smiling like nothing happened on the outside..

I just don't want to worry those whom I treasure alot..

Like my friends,

especially Regina, a Sei-Tenshi..

She was always so thoughtful..

Whenever I looked down,

she'd always ask me,"What's the matter, Shiori? Did I do something wrong?"

If I ignored her, the questions will keep pressing on, getting more and more worried..

I always knew that she was a sensitive tenshi..

Many people never knew that..

That's why we always stuck together..

Because of my difficulty with communicating with others..

Because of others misunderstanding her..

I was always there for her..

Standing by her side..

Most of the time..

If not, all of the time..

I didn't want her to get bullied..

For she had a kind, yet fragile heart..

She could break down anytime she got sad,

and she would really need comforting to get her

to stop crying..

It made me feel bad..

Because even though I was there for her..

I couldn't comfort her..

I didn't know how to..

I always kept to myself since I was in Primary 1..

Yes, I had company along the way..

But, it was usually only with one person..

I always had trouble communicating and connecting with people..

Which was why I'd always fade into the background..

I wanted to help others..

But I didn't know how to..

I'd always knew how to heal myself only..

It's unfair..

The way people treat Regina..

She's such a nice tenshi,

and yet, nobody knows that..

Most people just misunderstand her..

I sincerely hope that she'll find a much better friend..

than me..

probably Perpetua, another Sei-Tenshi can protect her better than I can..

I was probably the only one alone to start with anyway..

Anyway, now that my precious things are gone,

I want to cry, scream and shout at my mother, and my father..

My mother for not being reasonable or understanding enough..

My father for not being on my side, yet agreeing with my mother..

However, I know, that doing so would bring choas in the family..

I don't want to make my little sister, Moka, suffer..

She's already been crying alot since I got scolded..

Because both of us didn't get the results our mother waanted us to get..

So she scolded us both..

My sister is also another fragile-hearted tenshi..

She can break down very easily..

So, I always tried to be there for her...

However, when I always think back..

Who was there for me when I cried most of the time?

Who was there for me when I screamed inside my head in anger?

Who was there for me to tell me everything was going to be fine?

Who was there for me to tell me that it was alright to make mistakes?

Who was there for me when I needed someone the most?

Who was there for me to help me heal my heart?

The answer is..

Nobody..

I was always there for myself when I cried..

I was always there for myself when I was in pain..

I was always there for myself to tell myself that everything will be alright..

I was always there for myself to tell myself that nobody was perfect.. and everyone made mistakes..

I was always there for myself to tell myself that it's okay to be alone..

I was always there for myself to tell myself I didn't need anyone's help to heal myself..

I was always there..

For myself..

Nobody else was..

So now, without my precious things,

how am I supposed to carry on?

Must I keep pretending to smile?

Must I keep pretending that a Da-Tenshi like me, will have a good life?

Must I keep pretending that I can go on smiling as though nothing happened?

I don't think so..

I really don't think so anymore..

One thing's for sure..

I'm not going to cry..

I will carry on..

To keep smiling and hide my pain.. :)

da tenshi? don't worry. i'm proud of being one. :)